Everything on here are things I adore, want in my closet, want in my future home, or I just simply find absolutely delicious. These are the things that motivate me to become the healthiest and happiest person I can be.
Somedays I love my life, somedays I hate my life. Today, I hate my life. My mom has gotten drunk practically every night in the past week. She drives me absolutely crazy when she drinks, and she doesn’t even understand. It’s so annoying.
Also, I binged tonight, and the most frustrating part is I didn’t even want to. I honestly don’t know why I did it. I feel so stupid. I have 2 and a half months to lose this weight before I go back to school. Nothing is going to stop me after I start tomorrow. I want this too much and I’m running out of time.
I am also sunburnt, so I am not feeling confident by any means. I just feel fat and ugly right now. These are the times that I begin to think about suicide because I feel worthless. But I know I’m not, I know I have so much going for me. If I never had that first binge back in March, I probably would be at my goal weight right now. Why did I do it, and why didn’t I stop? I ruined everything. Now, my clothes are tight and I’m scared to see people that I haven’t seen in awhile because I know they’ll notice that I’ve gained weight.
I am honestly thinking about canceling plans with my friends to go to the lake in 2 weeks because I’ve just gained so much weight. I just want this all to be over. I just want to wake up tomorrow and be thin, but I know that won’t happen.
I hate living at home. My mom is driving me nuts, all she does is bitch, bitch, bitch. My sister is a bitch. And there are 2 other people living in my house because something went wrong with their house! I can’t deal with all of this! I don’t want to be living at home! I don’t want to go out into the public! I don’t want to talk to my mom! I don’t want to even be living sometimes!
What can keep me from bingeing? Will I be able to lose the weight by the time I go back to school? Will I love myself? Will this summer be one of the greatest?
Sometimes, I just want everything to end. Sometimes, I just want to be able to see the future. But, I know everything can’t end and I know I can’t see the future. So, I shall keep pushing through and gain self-control, also, I can control if I lose the weight, and that is my only control that I have for the future.
You guys, I’ve got this, I know I do. Now, it’s just time for me to believe in myself and actually do it.
